The reality of losing a sibling; from the big sister. Pt 1

The reality of losing a sibling; from the big sister.

Part One - His wonderful life and tragic end

Read part two here

This series is deeply personal. I want to express the dirty truths; the guilt, grief, anger, and even jealousy. The things no one tells you, no one talks about, and the feelings you may even be ashamed of. It is part of a series... I'm not sure how many parts. In this part, an introduction and the tragic day of his death.

 This...

is Jeremy

He was born June 1, 1980. He is the youngest of 3. He loved dinosaurs as a kid.  He loved to prank people and joke around (as shown by his silly jacket above). He loved camping, boating, fishing, and hunting. He was handsome, funny, and ornery. We grew up with a close family, we fought ALL THE TIME. He was spoiled and a brat (I say this out of love). Growing up, there was a lot of jealousy. He was the baby, spoiled. He got everything he wanted. He wanted new clothes, he was handed my parents credit card.

Mother's day 2009

Did i say we fought all the time? Not just arguing. Fist fights. It wasn't until he was a teenager that we started getting along, but even through all the fights, we defended each other. When it came down to it, we were typical siblings. Jeremy didn't drink(with the exception of obsessive consumption of Mountain Dew), smoke, or do drugs. He wanted to wait until he was 21 to drink, I couldn't even tell you why. He was the designated driver for all of his friends. He would drop anything he was doing to help them. He loved my son. He gave him Mountain Dew in a sippy cup (highly illegal! My son, now almost 4, still isn't allowed to have pop), babysat, and spun him in a office chair for hours. You know, looking back, maybe he wasn't the best choice for a babysitter.

Carving pumpkins; Jeremy put goo on Zachary's foot

Jeremy had a very unique relationship with everyone he met. He often had nicknames for people and he teased everyone he ever met. He was hard to tolerate until you became acquainted with his, well, absurd extrovert behaviors. He barked at people (HILARIOUS), hid behind corners, and was extremely loud. He was easy to hate but even easier to love. He just had this way of absolutely infuriating you. For whatever reason, you couldn't help but laugh. He had this way of saying my name, Jay-may, that I tried to ignore. But he would get louder and louder until

I answered. It was so incredibly frustrating, but once again I couldn't help but laugh. We ordered paper-view movies in the middle of the day on a week day and ate popcorn. He was very materialistic about his clothes. He always had been. In elementary school he wore polos and khakis all the time. As a young man, he was always in clean shoes and name brand clothes. He was particular. Along with Jeffrey (the middle child), he played softball, flag football, and basketball at the local church. When he played football, he liked to yell "Swiper! No swiping!" He was FULL of life. He always had a smile, even when he was mad. Everything was funny, and there was always time for a joke. No situation was to serious for a laugh. And yet, he came to me for advice and money. He always got it, always, and he always paid me back.He had a huge heart. Easter of 2010, he gave me every last dollar in his pocket so we could buy 6 underfed puppies. (Which are in good homes now, including the one in mine and one in Carly's)

Lil' Macky and Jeremy

Zachary, Jeffrey, and Jeremy

<Easter, 2010>

  




April 17,2010
A tragic car accident occurred. There were 3 passengers. Two of them were very close friends of mine.One suffered a broken leg. While the other, Josh, was in ICU in a medicated coma. He had been friends with Jeremy. On April 26th, I went to see Josh and Jeremy babysat. I told Josh's mother "As a mother and a sister, I can not imagine your family's pain". I consoled their family as best as I knew how. I remember feeling guilt that I had spent time consoling them, when my family would fall apart the very next day. It was a brief pang of guilt, but however brief it was I still felt it. When I got home, Jeremy was in the driveway with Michael and Zachary. It was cool out and Zachary had no shoes on. I can remember laughing and asking "Where are his shoes?" Then... Jeremy left. This was the last thing I would ever say to him.

Michael and Jeremy

April 27, 2010

If I could make the font for that date any blacker, I would. It was easily the worst day of my entire life. I had just gotten home from my boyfriend's house. I put Zachary in the bathtub. Then my phone rang. It was 10:02 am. On the other end was a teenage girl screaming "Someone told me Jeremy's been in a wreck and he's dead!!! Is it true?" I assured her it was not, we live in a small town and rumors fly. I told her I'd have him

 Jessica(screaming teenage girl) and Jeremy

call her as soon as he got home. He worked the night shift and got home around 8am. He was always on the run, it wasn't unusual for him to get home late. I called him to tell him to call her. He didn't answer. I began to panic slightly... he always answered. I called a good friend, JoAnn, who's son works for the local fire department. Her son answered and kinda blew me off. I called an ex who worked for the department... he also blew me off. I remember thinking... "What a jerk. He can't even put aside his anger to answer a question like that?". It never crossed my mind that they couldn't tell me, or didn't want to tell me. I called my dad, slightly frantic, telling him that he needed to help me try to get a hold of someone who could give us an answer. Then my phone went off. It was JoAnn's number. When I answered, her sons voice rang "We will be there in a minute". I calmly pulled my phone away from my face, strategically hit the |end| button, fell to my knees in a prayer position, and sobbed "no". I knew what that meant. I knew the rumors were true. I remember my 15 month old son in the tub after what seemed like an hour (more likely a few moments), at this point I was in the hallway as I had left the room so he wouldn't see me frantic. I put myself together, got him out of the tub, grabbed his clothes and went downstairs. When JoAnn and her son arrived, I asked them to dress Zachary. I called my mom, with immaculate composure, and told her I needed her to come home. My mom, the saint that she is, went through the family asking if everyone was okay. I lied. Assuming it was something personal, she asked no more questions and told me she would be home soon and she was leaving the office immediately. JoAnn complimented my composure, knowing how desperately I was holding it together for my mom. You see, Jeremy was the baby. And my mother loves her children unlike anything I've ever seen. We were all very close. I sent a text to one of her co-workers telling her what had happened and explaining that my mom didn't know, nor did she need to, yet. She called again when she was on the road. I lied. Again. JoAnn told me that Heather would be there shortly to get Zachary, I agreed. A few minutes later, I turned to her and asked "Who's Heather?". She told me that it was her son's girlfriend, someone who I had known for a long time. We both giggled at my lapse of sanity. Although it wasn't the least bit funny, it was a release. Heather arrived to pick Zachary up and promptly left. Then, Jeffrey pulled in the driveway. Moments later, my mom pulled in. Panic struck, I wanted to get her inside before telling her. I met her in the driveway. There was no avoiding it, she could tell that something was very very wrong. I told her very bluntly and objectively. Right there in the driveway.

Shelby and Jeremy

You never know the sight of true pain until you see a mother's first moments after finding out her child is gone. She screamed. She ran to the house, then to her car, then to the house, she would have kept this up but I just grabbed her and held her as tightly as I could. We had just made it to the door, when my dad pulled in. He got out of his truck, he had just come from the scene of the wreck, and then leaned against the truck bed with his hand over his face. My dad is a stereotypical man's man. He's over 6ft tall and tough, as any dad should be in the eyes of her daughter. His eyes were red and watery. His demeanor was that of a broken man. Broken? How could the most sturdy man I've ever known look so broken? The rest of the next few days were nothing but a blur. I remember bits and pieces. People I had never met were cleaning my house and dropping off food. My facebook was flooded. His facebook was flooded. The community support was incredible.  There were bracelets, window stickers, and T-shirts. All to help my family afford his funeral. To the right is Shelby, one of Jeremy's friends and now one of my dearest friends, She and her then boyfriend (now husband) had t-shirts made. I don't remember anymore who had the window stickers and bracelets made. (Please, speak up so I can edit this accordingly.) On the day of his death, there was another wreck about 30 minutes away. His death got little media coverage, neither one did. Which was a blessing... but also created a feeling of  "doesn't he matter?"

Me, Jeremy, Jeffrey, and Zachary

The 5 stages of grieving

There are 5 widely recognized stages of grieving. We may see all of them or just a few of them. To this day, I have immense guilt about telling my mother. I thought, if I hadn't told her, it wouldn't have been true.  I had days where I felt like I had ruined my mom's entire existence. It took me years to go through the angry stage, but I think that this was my version of my guilty stage. In my denial stage, I had several dreams that Jeremy wasn't dead. My dreams varied from him being in the witness protection program and being forced to fake his death, to him being in an accident where his body was mixed up with another person.
 I don't remember ever bargaining, but that doesn't mean that I didn't.

1. Denial and Isolation- This is the part where it doesn't feel real. We hide away, try to ignore it, or convince ourselves there has been a mistake.
2. Anger- This stage is pretty self explanatory. Make sure that you are not damaging other relationships by taking your anger out on them. If you feel like causing yourself harm get in contact with your doctor, a supportive friend, or call a hotline listed below.
3. Bargaining- We may secretly plead with God, or a higher power. When we are feeling helpless and vulnerable, we try to regain the control that we feel we have lost.
4. Depression- This stage is also pretty self explanatory. Talk to someone, call a hotline, or see a doctor. It's okay to be sad. You have every right to be. When you are crossing the line between sad and unhealthy, its time to get help. I know that it's seems like your life may be over because your loved one is gone. But It's not. Sooner or later, you will find a light at the end of the tunnel. Forgive the cliche but at the end of the day, It's true.

5. Acceptance -This stage often seems too far away to even think about. Not to mention the guilt you have. Sometimes I felt that if i accepted it, it would have to be true. I felt guilty about the idea of no longer grieving, like I was betraying him.

 Jeremy's Facebook status April 26, 2010

"give me all you got never stop always finish and at the end of it all I'll be here"

In the next part of this series, I'm going to talk about the visitation and funeral, what to expect, how to handle the seemingly inconsiderate comments of others, and the fact that you are not alone in this. Anger, resentment, jealousy, fear... its all normal.

 National Suicide Hotlines USA

United States of America Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE		1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433		1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Deaf Hotline

Please feel free to e-mail any additional numbers to add to this post.

Jamie.tene@gmail.com

If you want to talk about your own personal loss, I'll be more than willing to listen.

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